There's Something About Mary...of Bethany

Have you ever thought about why you give gifts, time, or money away? Studies show that you naturally give in order to receive or avoid something. Judson Brewer, an addiction psychiatrist and neuroscientist, writes about the 3 types of generosity, which affect our giving.

Why do we give?

The first type of giving is that we — Give to Get. This is even true for giving birthday gifts and time we invest at our kids’ schools. Even if it’s only a thank you note or an affirmation from our community, we usually give something in order to get something in return. (For clarity, thank you notes are good to write! I just needed to say that in case my mom reads this).

The second type of generosity is that we — Give to Avoid. I don’t like unpleasant feelings, like guilt and shame, and so I give to avoid those feelings. This is often why I buy a candy bar from a kid for his school fundraiser, help someone on the sidewalk who asks for money, or even leave a tip (when I don’t think it’s necessary). It can come across as being motivated by compassion but deep down it could be that I don’t want to feel unpleasant.

These two types of generosity can have a physical affect on us if we don’t get the reward or avoid the feeling that we predict we will get or avoid — Goodbye, dopamine hit!

Even though these self-focused motivations to give are powerful, we obviously don’t always give. Why not?

Why don’t we give? 

We don’t give freely for two main reasons. The first factor that stops us from giving is that we fear not having enough.

It looks like this posture, from Jon Guerra’s song, Where Your Treasure Is:

But, Lord, if I'm honest

I'm scared to death

That if I give my fish and loaves

There won't be anything left

For me and my parents

For my wife and my kids

We fear an unknown future and we calm our fears by making sure that we always have plenty for ourselves.

The second reason we don’t give is that we desire more than we need. In Guerra’s words, same song:

Well, I hear You, Lord, but I still want more

I want a nest egg for a rainy day

Stocks and bonds and real estate

Security beyond what I heard You say

We think that money and possessions are going to give us the security that we are looking for. Security beyond what God promises.

An extreme version of this desire is called greed. Greed isn’t only a wealthy-person problem - it happens to all of us. Greed is a selfish, intense desire to have more of something—such as money, power, or food—than a person needs. We desire more than we have and more than we even need.

But there’s a third type of generosity that Brewer highlights — Selfless Giving. This is actually the most predictable and satisfying type of giving. 

Why does Mary give?

True generosity is the act of giving freely or giving without expecting anything in return i.e. selfless giving.

Mary [of Bethany], at the beginning of the gospel of John chapter 12, takes a bottle of perfume and pours it all over Jesus feet, and wipes the perfume around his feet with her hair. This is an extravagant act of service. She is not only sacrificing her comfort and her own cleanliness but sacrificing a very valuable possession of hers. The perfume is worth a whole year’s salary! 

So, why would she do this?

If our god is earthly security, Mary’s God was right in front of her. And unlike our desires and fears, which tell us that we won’t have enough, Mary believed that her God was enough. 

Her act of extravagance is not only an act of service, but an act of trust and of worship. Jesus, in his Sermon on the Mount, speaks about trust and worship. He says that we either serve earthly security or heavenly security, and we can’t serve both. 

Again, Guerra… 

Who you gonna serve?

Everybody gotta serve, gotta serve somebody

Who you gonna serve?

Everybody gotta serve God or money

No one can serve two masters

If you hate the one, then you love the other

If you love the one, then you hate the other

Mary’s life evidenced her heart becoming more convinced that she could not have two masters. And as Mary’s trust and worship shifted toward Jesus, so did her plans for that bottle of perfume, which she poured out on Jesus.

A few days after this interaction with Mary, Jesus gave his life away on a cross. The same feet that were gently wiped with perfume, were now pierced and stained with blood. 

As we consider Mary’s act of generosity toward Jesus in the context of Jesus’ ultimate act of generosity towards us, the two just don’t compare. What we give to others, does not compare to what God has given to us. 

Is there a better motivation for selfless giving?